Writing has always been excruciatingly painful for me.
It takes me FOR-FUCKING-EVER. My inner critics (yes, plural) doubt me every step of the way. And even after spending hours on one paragraph, I never feel like it’s up to par.
So I gave it up. For 2 entire years.
Yet the DESIRE to write – to express myself, to not just consume content but to also PRODUCE it – that never went away.
So, what’s a guy to do?
Well, I had this vague idea that my relationship with writing would magically transform if I just gave it some time.
That if I became wiser, had some mind-blowing experiences, “figured out” more about life, and did a shit-ton of meditation – in a few years I’d get back to my writing desk and HOLY SHIT, it would all be so different!
I’d be bursting with SO many things to say from all the amazing experiences I’ve had! No more scattered thoughts…my newfound wisdom would automatically produce fully formed, laser-focused paragraphs that would EFFORTLESSLY fly onto the page! My zen state of mind would silence my inner critics and writing would be FUN and FLOWING and OH SO JOYFUL UNICORNS AND RAINBOWS! YAY!!!
Well…two years have gone by.
I’m older. I’m wiser. I’ve had more amazing (and amazingly difficult) experiences. I’ve learned so much more about myself, the world around me. And I’ve done a shit-ton of meditation. So writing should be at least a little, teensy, tiny bit easier, right?
Nope. Hell fucking nope.
It was just as hellaciously difficult, frustrating, and painful as it was 2 years ago. Goddammit.
But those 2 years weren’t wasted. Oh, not at all.
I had spent those 2 years exploring every other avenue. All the possible shortcuts. Every single side street and back alley. And every single one of them, in respect to writing, turned up a dead end.
See, life had given me a beautiful gift.
With a still-burning-desire to write and having exhausted all other options, I was given the timeless, wonderful gift of NO OTHER EFFING CHOICE.
I had to actually sit my butt down and WRITE.
If I wanted my writing experience to somehow change, if I wanted it to become more fun, more enjoyable, and produce higher quality results – I had to figure that out by DOING it.
The only way out is THROUGH.
But going “through” is not exactly a barrel of monkeys. It’s difficult. Uncomfortable. There’s a reason why I tried every other option first.
Forcing myself to sit down and type brought back all the shitty feelings that drove me away in the first place: constant self doubt, writers block, feelings of unworthiness, and the ever-present fear of creating something that people would hate – or even worse – ignore.
There were so many times I wanted to just give up. But I had already tried that option. As well as all the others. So I just kept going THROUGH.
And that’s when something beautiful started to happen.
The pain. The shittiness. All the stuff that I’d been trying to avoid. Well, when I stopped running from it and instead EMBRACED IT (not cause I’m so noble but because I had no other choice), it actually had a lot to teach me…
Turns out The Shittiness got heavier the more pressure I put on myself. So I kept experimenting and eventually got rid of goals like, “write a blog post every 2 weeks,” and replaced them with, “write for just 30 min. a day.”
I found The Shittiness got lighter when I listened to music (minimal lyrics / driving beat / deep house). It made writing feel less like work, more like play, and got me in the zone.
And The Shittiness nearly EVAPORATED if I had a ton of energy. So I started my writing sesh’s after a workout or with some oolong tea (plus 200mg L-Theanine, active component of green tea, to round out the caffeine buzz).
And day by day, by actually ENGAGING with The Shittiness – listening to it, trying different things, experimenting with it – my writing experience has slowly, steadily TRANSFORMED.
I actually enjoy writing now. What the hell?
I never thought I’d ever say those words. But here we are. And only after a few months.
Sure, it’s not always a walk in the park. But these days, when I sit down to type, I feel more excitement than dread. I look forward to writing more often than not. When The Shittiness rears its ugly head, it becomes an opportunity for me to learn how to improve things. And bit by bit, day by day, my writing experience gets sweeter and sweeter.
And to think, none of this would’ve happened if hadn’t sat down and finally FACED this head on.
This is why the way out is through.
Because it’s in the THROUGH-ness where we finally embrace what we’ve been avoiding. And what we’ve been avoiding is where the solution lies!
This approach doesn’t just apply to writing. It’s been a gamechanger in other areas of my life too.
Like relationships. With a capital ‘R’.
How does this apply to matters of the heart, you might ask?
Well, I used to believe that the problems I always had in relationships (i.e. not being able to open my heart, shutting down instead of expressing myself, not establishing the space I needed, etc.) would be magically solved when I met “the right girl.”
But luckily, I grew out of that imaginary belief, the same way I did Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. (The belief in a perfect “someone” saving you from all your issues is at best, a silly fantasy, and at worst, completely destructive to taking ownership of your life.)
I realized that this had nothing to do with anyone else. These specific things were MY issues. And I brought them into every relationship in my life. And would continue to do so until I resolved them.
So after my last relationship ended, I found myself believing that I needed to “heal” and “fix” these patterns before I ever got into another one. Or else I’d just fuck that one up too, right?
But now I realize how silly that is.
If I want to “heal” my relationship issues, I need to do that IN relationship. I need to dive in and work with the ACTUAL issues as they’re arising in REAL-TIME.
I need to face The Shittiness and learn from it. Experiment. Try doing things differently. Figure out what works – and maybe more importantly – what doesn’t.
Learning through actual, hands-on experience. Who woulda thought?
And now I’m finding that even casual dating is a great opportunity to work on this. Everytime those patterns come up, it’s a chance for me to try something different. A chance to practice opening up when I feel like shutting down. A chance to practice honesty instead of avoidance. A chance to turn every moment of crappiness into an opportunity to grow.
And bit by bit, day by day, it keeps getting sweeter and sweeter.
But just like writing, it ain’t an easy road. Facing The Shittiness head on and using it to change life-long patterns and habits…it’s no party.
But at the end of the day, if you want to figure this out, it’s the only way.
Turns out, to get PAST the road blocks, you need to stop trying to get AROUND them. That road block will ALWAYS be there for as long as you avoid it. But if you truly want to make it out the other side…you need to turn around. Face it. And start chipping away.
No shortcuts. No side roads. No way around.
The way out is through.
