For the past 2 months, I started an experiment.
Throughout the day, I started saying “thank you” to every emotion that came up. After a few weeks, I added, “I love you.”
So if annoyance came up, or joy, or shame – ”thank you, I love you.”1
Then I found myself saying, “thank you, I love you” not just to every emotion, but to every single situation that I encountered.
When I shut off my alarm, answered emails, talked to a friend – ”thank you, I love you.”
The practice felt sleight at first. I didn’t expect much from it.
Through years of therapy and self work, I had already become a fairly happy, positive guy. And after nearly a decade of intense meditative exploration, I had come to a place of relative peace.
I was no longer plagued by negative self-talk. No more dwelling on the past or getting lost in the future. No longer placing any heavy expectations on myself or on life.
My mind finally felt free.
But through this practice, I realized that my body – and it’s complex interior world – did not.
When I stepped into a cold shower, spilled a drink, or endured a tough workout, I may have been thinking to myself, “thank you I love you”…
But if you stripped away the words, the vibe underneath was gritting it’s teeth and muttering, “Ugh, fuck this. Not again. Just push through.”
Life was often something I was subtly resisting. Enduring. Forcing my way through.
As the weeks went by, “thank you, I love you” became my automatic response to everything.
Coupled with emotional releasing techniques and the guidance of a skillful coach2, this phrase slowly transformed from mere surface-level words to ACTUAL gratitude and love.
Subtly at first. And then stronger and stronger by the day.
I first realized that everything was starting to change when I stepped into my daily cold shower, said, “thank you I love you”…and ACTUALLY meant it. As the icy water flooded my nervous system, I was surprised to find myself smiling, feeling love and warmth for the experience.
Same after a round of hill sprints, which always leave me absolutely wrecked. As I was doubled over, gasping for air – ”thank you I love you.” And I meant it. I could feel actual appreciation for the sheer intensity of the present moment.
For someone who’s had a lifelong history of having trouble feeling his heart, who’s never been able to say “I love you” to his previous girlfriends – this was no small feat.
I soon found this spilling over to every area of my life, both big and small. Instead of everything being met with a subtle resistance, they were now being met with a subtle openness.
Instead of a pushing away, there was an embrace.
Instead of a forcing through, there was a leaning into.
The muted, discordant notes of life were starting to turn into melodic harmonies.
And internally, things really began to shift. It felt like these small pockets of resistance within me began to relax. Stopped fighting against life.
And started to open up.
In the past few days, my heart has welled up and been moved more times than in the last few years combined.
After decades of feeling emotionally blocked, I’m now feeling sadness and compassion blooming throughout my body, finally freed from it’s cage…able to flow, dance, and express itself how it always wanted to.
It’s fucking beautiful. And feels right. Natural.
It’s funny – as someone who spent years trying to transcend the ego through hardcore meditative inquiry – the idea of practicing love and gratitude seemed kinda “cute” to me.
Sure, I agreed intellectually that they were important, but it felt like a frou-frou idea that didn’t hold much merit in the real world. Something for immature seekers who confused a nice positive feeling for a radical, spiritual force.
I’m starting to realize just how wrong I was.
That the poets, songwriters, and playwrights absolutely knew something that I didn’t. Something true. Powerful. And with the force to burn up and radically transform your entire reality (and the realities of everyone you interact with).
In just a few weeks, I’ve seen it touch every part of my life. Dissolving buried judgments, blocks, and fears. Transforming my relationship with my parents, taking us to levels of connection I never thought possible. Even radically altering my writing process – turning it from an agonizing, drawn-out slog…to an enjoyable, flowing dash of inspiration.
As profound as my experience has been so far, I can tell I’m just barely scratching the surface.
But even these small first steps have been turning my entire world upside down. Filling my black & white frames with vibrant splashes of color that I didn’t even know existed.
And I could not be any more excited.
To really begin this journey.
And find out what else love has to show me.
Photo by James Frid.
