7 years ago, I got mugged in Colombia.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but it ended up profoundly changing the course of my life.
Helping me connect with my intuition, my authentic self…and Chamillionaire.
I’m lying on my parents couch. The place I retreat to every time my body breaks drown.
Which, over the past half decade, has pretty much averaged out to once every few weeks.
Yeah, not fun.
For the past 7 years, I’ve been struggling with hypothyroidism. A chronic health issue that’s left me feeling cold, exhausted, weak, depressed, and at one point – nearly bedridden for 6 months.
And while I’ve managed to get 90% better over the past few years, that last 10% still kicks my ass from day to day.
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I’ve been feeling depressed this week.
Like many of you, I’m no stranger to this feeling. I’ve struggled with bouts of depression on and off throughout my life. Mostly due to health issues (hypothyroidism) but also just due to the difficulty of being a human in this world.
These lows are always shitty. But the worst part is that they spin an illusion that feels absolutely convincing.
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“Karma is a bitch.”
You’ve heard that phrase a million times. And each time, you’ve hoped beyond hope that maybe, just maybe…it was true.
That a cosmic, unseen hand of justice1 would make sure assholes got the payback they deserved.
The douchebag that ghosted you. The boss who makes your life living hell. That fucker who fucking fucked you over.
Even the most hardcore atheists have all prayed at times, “God, I wish karma would bite them in the ass.”
Well, I have good news and bad news.
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For the past 2 years, I’ve been trying to learn how to cry. But it hasn’t been easy.
As a boy, social conditioning taught me that crying and showing emotion was weakness. I was made fun of. Called a sissy. So pretty quickly, I learned how to numb and shut down those parts of myself.
Now as a 32-year-old man, I’ve seen the costs of having those protective barriers up. The ceiling it’s put on my emotional range. How it’s limited me in my relationships. How it’s left me feeling numb, empty, and confused.
Kept me out of my heart and in my head.
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A few months ago, I spent two weeks in the mountains of Spain on a spiritual retreat.
It was wonderful.
I spent most of my days completely content with whatever was happening – whether that was watching an ant crawl over my hand, eating in silence, or just simply breathing. Being. Existing.
Two weeks of utter peace and contentment
Which all got ripped away from me in just twenty minutes.
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A few years ago, I took a men’s weekend workshop. It was filled with all sorts of activities from shadow boxing to eye gazing to yelling at the top of our lungs.
Some of it resonated with me, some of it didn’t.
But there was one exercise that has stayed with me since.
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