I’ve been working with a mentor/coach for the past few weeks and it already feels like one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
We literally have life-changing breakthroughs and shifts with EVERY single call. No joke. And it almost feels like my duty to share what I’ve been learning from him.
Here’s one recent lesson that’s already gone off like an atom bomb in my life (in the best way):
Talk real shit. Meaningful shit. Shit you ACTUALLY care about with the people in your life.
Share what you’re diving into, what you’re learning about, the things you’re chewing on and struggling with, your inner growth, your views on relationships, love, on life itself.
Are you doing this with your friends? Family? On dates? If not, that means you’re treating every opportunity for connection like a JOB INTERVIEW. Putting on a performance. Waiting to be assessed. Trying to meet expectations.
Instead of just being your true, authentic self.
I myself realized that I would talk about real shit…but only with close friends. Only with people who I thought would “get it”.
But not with my mom. Or on dates. Or with friends who don't do this kind of inner work.
As my mentor says, “if you can’t talk to your mom, you can't talk to a supermodel. But the good news is that if you CAN talk to your mom, you CAN talk to a supermodel. To a retail worker. To an executive. To anyone. They're all the same.”
I realized I was putting people into these separate little boxes, pretending that they’re different, and censoring or adjusting myself based on those imaginary differences.
But that’s bullshit.
Not only was I not showing up as WHO I really am, but it’s also condescending as hell. To not give people the loving respect to have REAL conversations with them and to engage with them in ways that are meaningful to me.
Since I was hit with this truth, I’ve been consciously trying to say real shit with the people in my life.
And the results have already been transformative.
I finally had a real conversation with my mom that I’ve been putting off my whole life: sharing that I wanted to start saying “I love you” to her and was nervous that she’d be uncomfortable with it.
Not only did she say “I love you” back, but she shared with me a touching story about growing up in a culture that never said those words. How, when she left Korea, she penned a letter to her parents through tears and wrote “I love you” to them for the first (and last) time ever.
It was an incredible moment we got to experience together.
Since then, I’ve had many more real, human conversations with my parents – breaking out of that stifling “parents / son” paradigm we've been stuck in our whole lives. I’ve been sharing more of my inner thoughts and life with them, and they’ve returned in kind. And we’ve never felt closer and more connected.
I also broke through those imaginary barriers with a woman I’ve been dating.
I never shared much about my self-growth journey with her since I (condescendingly) assumed she wouldn’t get it or be interested. But one day, I decided to just tell her all about this wild inner journey I’ve been on the past few months – about the powerful work I’ve been doing with coaches, the emotional blocks that were rapidly dissolving, and the new perspectives and shifts I was being opened up to.
Not only did she LOVE hearing about all of it, but she wanted to learn more to apply to her own life! And it brought us closer together. Now that that barrier's been taken down, we just continue opening up more and more, reaching depths that I never imagined were possible.
There’s still a lot of room for me to grow in this area, but I’m already enjoying the power – and the immediate benefits – of saying real, meaningful shit to people.
To everyone.
Giving the loving respect to share my real, meaningful self with them – and allowing them to share their real, meaningful selves in kind.
Photo by Harli Marten.
